Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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