Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
