Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
