I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
