I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
