There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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