I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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