You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
