I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
