she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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