When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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