paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just invented taco cereal.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
