So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
