so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
