When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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