respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
