I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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