can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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