You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
