You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
