At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
