last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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