I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
