I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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