She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
