So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
