I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
