On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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