Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
