She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
