Your face is a jimmy john
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
