Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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