Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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