i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The adults are the big ones right?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
God, I missed his penis.
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