Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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