Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
