Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
