make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
