you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
