So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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