If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
