At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
