Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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