Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Ketchup is God's man juice
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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