Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
