did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
