im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
