Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
