Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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