Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
