some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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