but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
