I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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